February 20, 2008
I can't remember where I've parked, and thus can't find my car. I press the alarm button, and look in the direction of the noise. A startled person briskly walks away. I get an idea.



February 21, 2008
I've stumbled upon the finest form of entertainment.



March 2, 2008
Today I sit outside by a tree. It's nice and sunny, but there's a breeze keeping me cool. I've got a book and a soda and my car keys. I have no intention, of course, to read. Even if I did, the noise of the cars in the parking lot and the wal*mart adjacent to me would prohibit.
I jingle my keys, and wait. Soon, a man with a baseball cap on walks closely past my car. I, strategically located close enough to press the buttons without being spotted but still see the reaction, set the alarm off. The man jumps out of his skin. His eyes go wide, and he grabs his cap. He practically runs to his green car three away. I fall into a fit of laughter. I turn off the alarm by pressing the soft rubbery button again.
It doesn't take long, a weary looking mother is fumbling with her keys in one hand , trying to keep her child in line with the other, looking around with a confused expression. The child is perilously close to my vehicle. By far close enough. I press my button. I can't hear, but she pales, and snaps at the child, hurrying him off, looking behind her as she scurries to the next row to look for her own car and get away from mine. When she is out of sight, I turn my alarm off.
I spend a few hours doing this, sipping my cold carbonated beverage. Finally I get up and leave. As I get into my car, and elderly woman walks by. I would've liked to see her reaction, though everyone really does the same thing. They all leave fast, trying to get away from their mistake.



March 20, 2008
I've gotten in an argument with Andy. We're completely over for good. I'm not surprised. It should have been obvious. So I find myself back at the parking lot.
I can't find my fun today. Not many people walk by my car. Their reactions are too similar. All the same, only on different levels of hysteria.



April 5, 2008
I'm finding the reactions less hilarious each time. Paint me a cynic; now I'm analyzing all the people, all the reactions. What a crappy world we live in. People care only for themselves.
I've found some new entertainment. It's slightly more illegal. Slightly more fun. But I keep coming back to the cars. I remember what it used to be.



April 14, 2008
The tree feels rough against my back, and particularly rigid today. I sneer as a guy walks towards my car, looking at the sky. It's stupid not to look where you're going in a parking lot. He's daydreaming though, which means his reaction should be funny.
As he goes by I press my alarm. He stops, looking quizzically at my car. He doesn't leave right away, or jump in surprise. He assesses his distance from the car and looks around, luckily he doesn't see me. He circles the alarmed car, seemingly unperturbed, but curious. I stand, and start walking to him, though the car holds no more interest for him and he is well on his way. I walk faster, absentmindedly turning off the alarm, trying to catch up with him. When the alarm turns off he turns around. He sees me and waits, patiently.
“That was my car. My alarm.” I say, half out of breath.
“Yeah.” he looks at me as if not scrutinizing me.
“I made it go off. On purpose. When you walked by. Why didn't you freak out and run away?” Why didn't he save himself?
He frowned, “I thought something was wrong with it, and I was looking to see, so I could report it to an employee inside.” He started to walk away again, but I grabbed his arm. He looked at me.
“I....” I didn't know what I wanted to say, “It was just a joke.”
Again, he frowned, “You know... … … Why?”
He shook my hand off and commenced to leave. I stood, very stopped.
A good five minutes too late, I gave a weak, quiet response, “Because it was funny?” I went to my car and drove away. At home, I stood in front of a mirror. Why? What was I looking for?



April 15, 2008
I can't find the answer, and I can't stop asking the question. I think I'll have an illegal fun and go to sleep for a while.



April 20, 2008
I've spent every day since the 16th here at the parking lot. I could kid myself and say I'm looking for the answer. But even if that were partly true, I'm really here to look for him, the only one who didn't jump and run away.



April 25, 2008
Today, I saw him. Immediately I jumped up.
“Hey!” I called, trying to flag him down. Once again looking at the sky, he didn't notice me. Finally I was walking next to him, “Hey. What's your name?”
He looked at me rather blankly, then I saw a flash of recognition in his eyes, “You're the car alarm.”
“Um...yes. I'm Rylee. Sorry. I've stopped doing it.” I slapped together my words less eloquently that a dancing elephant.
“Why should I care?” he shrugged and kept walking.
“I don't know. But you do, don't you?” I watched his face, it didn't seem to change.
“Chris.” I stopped, but he kept walking. And kept walking. Of course, he had come to wal*mart to buy things.




April 30, 2008
I've continued to come every day. And today, I saw him again. I kept pace beside him.
“Hey, Chris.” I said, rather awkwardly.
He looked at me, “Hey, Rylee. Have you always made friends this way? It's kind of strange.”
“No, but I don't know how else to talk to you.” I scratched my head.
“You're not a stalker at least.” he smiled, “I think I'll be over at the River Park on Thursday. See you later Rylee; unless you're actually here to purchase items?”
I grinned, turning to walk back to my car.



May 28, 2008
I've seen Chris a lot lately. We're becoming good friends. Something about him stops me from wondering.
But today, I can't stop. I can't stop my thinking and I can't stop my illegal fun. The doorbell rings, and echoes in my head, transforming into a yowl.
It opens, shining light into the cringing abyss; “Rylee? Oh god, what are you...?”
“Whaaaaatttttt?” I groan. Somewhere I'm more coherent.
“Why are you...? Rylee, this has to stop.” His words twist themselves around like electric eels or perhaps vines, or perhaps snakes, or perhaps just like the world turns itself, I wasn't ever sure.



June 12, 2008
Tonight, the air is clean and crisp. Chris is with me again.
“You've got something on your mind, Rylee.”
Before I know it, my life story rushes forth..; “And Andy, and then the..you know, the stuff. And then you. That's everything.”
Chris looked at the impressive grass, “I hope I don't. If I know and I tell I'm screwed. If I know and I don't tell, I'm screwed. … But that's not what you want to hear.” My face crumpled, imploding in upon itself and the soul I'd been baring, “No, no, that's not what I mean, look...” he said, and he started his own.
“And then I went to wal*mart, because I needed a toothbrush.” he finished. He smiled  brilliantly, retrieving my previously imploded soul, “It's late, I'm tired.” And he went home.



June 25, 2008
I convinced Chris to have some illegal fun with me. I almost wondered why I called it that, and why I asked him to. And then I stopped my self.



July 28, 2008
June was the start of the corruption. Chris used to be so different. He's the same person, but in a different way; never sober on any terms by any stretch of the imagination. He hasn't stopped caring, or acting the same, he's just... different. Then again, I'm always with him, watching to make sure he's ok, when he's jacked- that he doesn't get taken advantage of, and doesn't go overboard. On the endangerdly rare occasions he isn't  up on something, we just sit and talk like always. Like nothings changed. He's changed, but has anything else? Has everything else? I don't know if I can sort it all out.



August 15, 2008
I've seen system overload happen to someone like Chris once before. Bailey had never touched anything remotely bad, but Alex had. Alex had eased into it, much like myself. Bailey couldn't stop. Control wasn't ever a problem for Bailey before, a good person didn't need it. No one saw it coming to Bailey. I should have seen it coming to Chris.
The hospital is cold and dead. Chris is cold, but not dead. Not dead. Not dead.
“Are you here to see someone?” the receptionist asks.
“Yes. Chris.” I nod vigorously. I haven't slept in days. But I've been too nervous to visit.
“Chris who?” the receptionist asks, raising an eyebrow. Chris who? Was there even another Chris in the world? Someone I could even begin to fathom, other than MY Chris?
“Chris. Chris Lawrence.”
The receptionist nods and types a few keys on the sterile keyboard, “Floor 5, room 513.” She sounds like she doesn't care about anything. I used to sound that way; sometime back before April. I almost ran to the elevator. I pushed the elevator button like it had wronged me; then worried I might have broken it. Of course the funny smelling elevator came to me, and brought me to floor 5. Briskly, I stumbled to room 513, and froze at the door.
I watched my hand open it, and my feet step in. And there in the frail bed, was Chris. A chair was pulled up to the bed. It looked like the hospital's attempt to make an uncomfortable chair tolerable. Of course, this kind of chair was always pulled up next to the bed. I took my place.
“Chris?” I firmly gripped his hand.
His head turned towards me, obviously with great effort, and his eyes creaked open on oily hinges, he opened and closed his mouth like a fish gasping for water, but said nothing. His eyes slammed shut like iron doors and didn't open. I stayed silent, sagging with regret. I wondered if he could hear me, but,what was there to say? For a long time, I just watched Chris breathe, noticing how frail he looked. How over the edge and how close to being gone. I knew it was my fault but I shoved the thought down and locked it away- I couldn't deal with that.

August 16, 2008
I realized how much of my life revolved around Chris. I wondered how it became so, and didn't care. Time, life, everything was now unfathomable without him by my side in good health.
Maybe everything was still unfathomable with him, the lines had only continued to blur since Chris had been admitted to the hospital, or maybe they'd started to smudge back in June. But at least I didn't have to think about it when he was ok, at least it hadn't mattered then. At least I was happy and had a reason. A reason for whatever needed a reason.
I haven't left the hospital for anything, and I've been praying to all sorts of deities I don't believe in. But finally someone answered, or the medicine kicked in, and Chris had a lucid moment.
I noticed, the breathing, deeper, wheezing breath, and then of course he opened his eyes and lethargically surveyed the room. I tried to speak, but no discernible words came out, I croaked, choking on and trying to swallow the time that had passed. Chris' eyes locked my own, shuffling through all the thoughts and defenses.
“Rylee. You know it. I know it.” he sighed out, with long pauses in between his thin words.
I shook my head, “No Chris. I don't know it, you're not going to...to die.” I choked on the foreign word, it rolled strangely on my tongue. It didn't belong in my vocabulary, in my language. It shouldn't have existed.
Chris nodded, a sense of inevitability swept over me, a deadly tsunami. The heart monitor beeped like sonar and I found my way back to an anchored place, he was still alive, he was wrong, “Rylee-  don't let me die - like this. Make it - ok.” he reiterated. His breathing had become more laboured, he was wheezing as if he was an old man who'd smoked heavy cigarettes his entire life.
“How is this ok?! This is my fault! You were perfect before I came along! Paragon! And I ruined it! This is not ok, and you are NOT going to die!” I raved, fire burning in my eyes, but water streaming in lonely waterfalls that accepted what I would not.
Chris frowned, calm like only those like Chris could be; he was silent for an eternity, “Remember the -wheeze- car alarm?” I nodded, but his eyes were closed.
“How could I forget?”
“I asked you - why. You didn't know. -I didn't know either.” he paused again, breathing more rapidly but also having more trouble, “ Now I do. So just - trust me. Return me the favor. Just make it alright.” he whispered, as if he were running out of breath to place his words on. I didn't doubt that he was.
“It's alright. It's alright I swear. You're ok. It's ok. It's going to be ok.” The beeping of a machine stopped some where, I couldn't hear it; neither could Chris.
A good five minutes too late, I gave a weak, quiet question, “Why? What was I searching for?”



August 26, 2008
Every person that walked by my car looked much like Chris to me. But none of them stopped and looked at my car. None of them even hesitated, they just ran along, like they always had.



September 8, 2008
Though I watch as I press my alarm and then turn it off, I'm not paying attention. I'm trying to figure out why Chris was always looking at the sky in the parking lot. She starts walking away before it's registered in my mind, that she stopped for a moment.
Immediately, I leap from where I'm sitting, stumbling into the row with my car.
“HEY!” I wave as if an old friend, trying not to scare her off. She stops for a moment, but sees that my manner is frenzied and keeps walking. A cold sweat breaks out on my forehead. I can't lose this. It's what I've been waiting for. “Wait!” I'm panting, but I catch up to her, she walks faster, hoping to out stride me.
“That was my car. My alarm.” I tell her, out of breath, “I was doing it to- I don't know. I need you to tell me something.” I rapidly spurted, “Please!” I desperately ask.
She stopped and made eye contact with me, puzzled and unhappy, “Look, I don't know you, and I don't think I can help you.” She shifted uncomfortably, gripping her purse with white knuckles.
“My name is Rylee. Please, just tell me why.” I was on my knees now, my head hung towards the ground.
I saw her shoes back up, just a bit, “I... Look... this is making me feel really awkward. You've obviously been through something serious, but...I don't know.” I looked up ate her, and she bit her lip; “I honestly don't know. I don't think anyone knows.”
I watched her walk away, and I ambled back to my car. I crumpled against the door, sobbing, which set off the alarm. Surprised, I jumped back. I turned it off with the worn down button on my key, which stuck in the off position.