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I met you before I knew I met you. I was at F-- the “teen dance club” on the cruise ship; not-dancing. Wearing all white, as was the rule, I sat next to my newest friend E--. She wanted to dance. I didn't. And there you were, also; not-dancing. I thought to myself, “ This kid probably feels the same way I do. He's pretty cute, and I need new friends. I'll talk to him.” So we talked about how silly we felt about not-dancing. We both didn't know how and didn't want to embarrass ourselves, despite the fact that we'd never see any of these 200 teenagers ever again. That night I broke out of my shell and danced anyway. I forgot your name. I forgot your face. You were that random kid I talked to, and related to, who I would never see again.
A few days, later. The cruise is almost over. I've finally got new friends. I'm with E-- on the pool deck. My old friends- the bitches that ditched me and talked about me (T-- and Em--) were between us, and where we wanted to go. My confidence was at an all time low. I noticed you'd kept walking through that group (and that you were cute). E-- and I hastily and randomly introduced ourselves to you, and you decided to hang with us (this is when I really considered us meeting). Our floors were 7, 8, 9. How convenient. We all went to the library, which became our meeting spot. E-- had to leave, she had dinner at 9:15 (where as we had dinner at 6:45). You and I spent hours talking.
We agreed on a lot of stuff. No specifics come to mind. And then we finally came to a barrier. You did pot. You told me about how your brother and other people contributed to it. And still felt it was a personal choice. You told me about how you wanted to quit. You'd been clean the whole cruise, it really wasn't that hard. And despite the fact that (after I'd just been harmed by those other girls) I was having trouble trusting my peers and I was very cynical of all humans; I believed you. And what did I care? As far as I was concerned, it didn't matter if I had a small crush on you. I'd never see you again.
(But I fall for guys who trust me and I was in over my head)
We kept hanging out. We found a guy from Wales named A--. He was cool. E-- of course was there. She thought you liked her (I think it was the piggy back rides). And then E-- and A-- had to go to an ice show at 5:15. They wouldn't be back for a while. You and I didn't have tickets so we didn't go. (We could have easily walked in, you said you weren't going to. Now I wonder if it was partly because I said I wasn't. I wasn't.) We (of course) went to the library. E-- and A-- said they'd meet us later (though I wasn't as eager as I could have been for them to come back). We had another few hour span to do nothing but talk. So we did. The group that hated me crashed the other side of the tine library. But you (unknowingly) helped me through it. I couldn't leave. I couldn't stay. So I ignored them completely and talked to you about the weird sculpture. We talked about visiting too. I said I could visit E--. You said I could visit you. I said I couldn't visit you because I liked you. I think you were just a bit put off by that. But it didn't matter. I was thinking about the group on the other side of the tiny library (which now seemed entirely too small), and playing with my hair (a habit). You asked me what I was thinking, I told you I was wondering if those girls were pretty (and pondering about how you noticed I play with my hair when I think, though I neglected to tell you that). You thought I was asking your opinion and you gracefully slid out of the question. You said that you thought I looked good, and that a lot of people on the ship looked good too. I said that I thought you were cute too. We were quiet for a minute. That night you walked me to my room holding my hand and when you left you hugged me (like the other times).
The next day we didn't hold hands or anything for a while. We hung out (flirted) for a bit before A-- came. We played cards for a while. When he left to use the restroom, I commented that you were sitting on the other side of the couch. You took my hint. You said “What, you want me to sit here?” you sat right next to me, and then you moved a bit away, “Or here?” For a second I didn't reply.
This, in a few ways, was another step for me. A decision. The last time a guy sat that close to me and held my hand, we'd been dating and we'd known each other for a year. I'd known you less than a week.
“I think I like the other spot better.” I replied. You snuggled up to me again,” Me too.” You words smiled at me, and wrapped their arms around me (you smiled and held my hand).
(Your shoulder looked comfortable, so I lay my head on it.)
Ashley came back. He took in the scene with stride, and he didn't say anything. The rest of the day we were inseparable. I enjoyed showing us off and secretly hoped word got back to my old group. And then, we were walking and I took your hand and I wrapped it around me. You put your head on my shoulder and held me. Again, the last time this happened I'd known my boyfriend for a year. I crossed another barrier. Eventually we returned to the library. We sat and you had your arm around me and held my hand.
Earlier we'd been joking. I said, “Fine, you can't hold my hand then.” You said, “Ok, then you can't hold mine.” You play-cried. It was too much for me to handle. I play-apologized and you took my hand back. You said, “See, I got it back. I'll hold it tighter this time. You'll have to pry my hand off. I'll hold it with both hands.” we laughed. I said, “I'll never get it back?” You shook your head, “Never.”
“What if I really want it back?”
“Nope.”
Inside I was happy. When you held my hand the butterflies in my stomach soared to new heights and when you wrapped you arms around me you gave me goosebumps. I told you and you laughed, you blew on my arm to make them worse. I play-called you mean. You held me closer.
But it was the last day now, our last hour, our last minutes. We started getting sad. We started getting serious.
I couldn't decide whether or not to keep in tough with you. I wanted to talk to you. But it would be painful. Knowing we couldn't be together, watching you move on (let's face it-girls get more emotionally attached than guys), trying to move on but being stuck on that cruise. We decided I'd email you anyway. (I don't think you really understood me.) A-- kept making jokes and saying we were 'sexually attached'. Both of us denied it. You said, “No, it's more than that.”
And then I had to leave (all good things must come to an end). You aid you wish you'd met me on the first day of the cruise. I agreed whole-heartedly. But we both knew when the cruise ended, so would we. You hugged me one last time, and you were gone.
(So was part of my heart.)
But you really helped me grow.
When I needed it most, after I felt no one liked me, because of those bitchy girls, you did. I didn't have to be fake. I didn't have to be a slut. I didn't have to be any skinnier or wear makeup or know how to dance.
I didn't have to be anything except me. The me that I liked and was comfortable with. And you liked that me. You saw me at my high, at my low, in between, and not only did you respect me and accept me, you really liked me.
Now you're gone. Going back to Washington the state. And we won't see each other ever again. But now I finally feel like I can look people in the eye. And that's something I haven't been doing right for 15, almost 16 years, that I didn't rightly know I couldn't do. But now I can find a guy who likes me, really likes me, for me. I don't know what about the last four boyfriends (not that we were dating) didn't drive that home, but something about you did.
And even though it hurts you're gone. Even though some part of me wants to forget you so I can't be sad. I'll email you. I will email you. I said I would, and I won't go back on my word. But we both know long distance relationships don't work. You know we've already talked about that.
You've helped me be ok with me. The real me, who I'm always wanting to be. You helped me see that it's ok to not fit in with one group of people. You helped me see that it is ok to go at my own pace, and love everyone I meet.
And as quick as we said hello, we said goodbye.
Thank You for a new beginning.
So if by some crazy chance you see this. Well. Thanks.




Refferendum: I've emailed him twice over the span of a year with no reply, I finally feel that this is a closed matter.


One of the most striking things about him was his honesty and his truth. It was so different from the others. I realize that now.



I have another from this cruise, about a different person. I might put it up too.



Origionally written in red pen. It was my favourite on hand.




I've always considered myself an individual. But this is an event that shaped me, and really drove home into practice beliefs that I'd been (hypocritically) preaching but not believeing. it's influenced a lot of my works. I don't really know where to put this. It's not very well written, like an art-work, but I can remember putting time into it (I didn't want to forget it). It's not a scrap. But I feel so vulnerable about putting it into my actual gallery. It's so...personal. I don't know why, but when I think of my real-life friends (or any of my online friends) reading this I get very emberassed (why not care about the strangers??). It's so much more mushy than... anything, really. Such a girly, naive, vulnerable, side of me.

And isn't that why I need to put it up?



Like I said, not extremely eloquent. Not only was it a year ago, but I was trying to write it to remember it. Which is another reason I'm submitting it here, just in case I lose the notebook.



Best Wishes of everything in life to all.
~P-F
© 2009 - 2024 Purple-Fearie
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fairhair's avatar
“I think I like the other spot better.” I replied. You snuggled up to me again,” Me too.” You words smiled at me, and wrapped their arms around me (you smiled and held my hand).
(Your shoulder looked comfortable, so I lay my head on it.)

that has to be the most adorable thing ><

i know you've told me about this, but its different reading it, like, there was misty eyes for the blondie :cries:
:glomp: i love you