Retired Totality

Ehm…
Excuse me,
I know this is a bit late,
And it may be interrupting.
But there’s something I’ve wanted to say,
For a very long time.

Well,
You see,
It’s all so very painful,
Really I’m so filled with guilt,
That I could just wither up,
Like a flower in the crack of the side walk,
That had courage but not enough strength.

But this isn’t about me,
I just want you to know,
How bad I feel,
About what I’ve done.

I know I physically hurt you,
And those wounds will probably heal,
But I also know I’ve emotionally scarred you.
I can’t take it back,
And I’m not sure if I would,
I think it’s made me better today,
To see my errors.

But I wish it hadn’t hurt you,
I haven’t talked to you about it,
It’s really a caustic somber subject.
And I’m not even sure you remember,
Even if it’s effects are everlasting.
Maybe you’re too young,
Too naïve to understand.

But I acknowledge what I’ve done,
And I regret what actions I took,
What choices I made,
I know I changed you.
And for that reason I write,
Too much of a coward to tell you,
I want you to forgive me,
I want to hear that I’ve been given amnesty,
But I know that will not justify my actions,
Nor will it redeem me,
It will never be ok.

But I want you to know,
Every time you’re going under,
Every time you’re melancholy,
Every time I see that dismay,
That depression,
That utter lack of hope,
That absolute defeat,
In you eyes.
The anguish,
That falls,
In those tears of frozen icy fire.
I know,
It’s my fault.

You think I don’t love you,
But that couldn’t be farther from the truth,
And it makes my heart ache so badly,
When you say it,
When I know you’re thinking it,
And I know it’s my responsibility entirely.
What all this amounts to in a few simple words,
That mean more than you can comprehend,
Which I mean with the utmost sincerity,
Something I’ve wanted to say,
For a very long time.
I’m sorry.